80 Things I Learned While Caring for My Aging Loved One
As I cared for my elderly mother-in-law over the course of several years, I kept a list.
At first it was practical — things I had to learn on the fly. But over time, it became something much deeper… a mirror reflecting who I was becoming. A more patient woman. A more present one. A more compassionate one.
I realized: healing doesn’t end when the pain is behind you. Healing continues — in how you show up for others.
If you’ve read my book Reason to Sing, you know that my story is about surviving trauma, heartbreak, and deep loss… and slowly finding my voice again. But caregiving became a continuation of that healing — a sacred journey that softened me, grounded me, and stretched me in ways I never expected.
Here are 80 things I learned while caring for my aging loved one. Some are practical. Some are emotional. Some might make you laugh. Some might make you cry. But all of them are true.
Compassion, Connection & Communication
Patience. Patience. Patience.
Slow down — rushing only confuses or overwhelms them.
Speak louder and slower — especially in noisy places.
Always notice the elderly around you in public — they're often invisible to others.
Alzheimer's doesn't erase humanity — only memory.
All aging people deserve our empathy and gentleness.
Sit close, make eye contact, speak clearly.
Learn to meet them where they are, not where you wish they were.
Use music, photos, and familiar things to spark connection.
They remember how you make them feel, even when they forget your name.
Everyday Practicalities of Senior Care
Choose smaller stores — the overstimulation of big ones is too much.
Meals and meds on time bring peace.
Managing their food, clothes, and comfort is a full-time job.
Organize quietly — tidying without asking feels less invasive.
Schedule appointments well in advance — transportation is half the battle.
Keep a binder or file of all health and medication info.
Know the names and numbers of their pharmacy and doctors.
Prepay for things like foot care and haircuts to keep them consistent.
Watch their hygiene — it's one of the first things to slip.
Introducing a walker or mobility aid? Expect resistance, but persist kindly.
Medical, Systems & Surprises
UTIs can cause extreme confusion — it’s not always dementia.
Incontinence is common — and often unspoken.
Artificial joints require antibiotics before dental visits.
Know your province’s Pharmacare or drug assistance programs.
Dehydration is rampant — most seniors avoid water.
Some seniors stop eating when they feel ignored.
There are doctors who specialize in geriatrics — find one.
Alzheimer’s symptoms can be amplified by medication side effects.
Family members may disagree about “what’s best” — get on the same page early.
Secure power of attorney, a will, and health directives before memory loss progresses.
Emotional Truths Caregivers Learn the Hard Way
You can feel love, resentment, guilt, and pride — all in one day.
Caregiver burnout is real — rest is essential, not optional.
It’s okay to grieve them before they’re gone.
Some days will break your heart.
Other days will surprise you with joy.
You’re not selfish for needing help.
You’re not a bad daughter/partner if you can’t do it all.
Some people will disappear from your life — others will step up beautifully.
You must forgive yourself for not being perfect.
Caring for someone doesn’t mean losing yourself.
Understanding Dementia & Aging
Arguing rarely works — just go along when you can.
They may repeat themselves — a hundred times. Let them.
Long-term memory often survives even when the short-term doesn’t.
Alzheimer’s patients sometimes believe you are the confused one.
They might say shocking things — filters fade.
They may lash out when they’re scared — not because they don’t love you.
They still want to have fun.
They’re still sexual beings — yes, really.
They gossip and form cliques, just like in high school!
They often think “everyone else is old” — not them.
Joyful Moments & Unexpected Gifts
They love old songs — they remember every lyric.
A photo album can brighten a whole day.
Music unites people when words fail.
Parties and celebrations still matter — don’t skip birthdays.
They love being included, even just in the conversation.
They can still be silly, flirty, and hilarious.
Spiritual connection is deeply meaningful, even in late stages.
The right audiobook or movie can open a whole window.
They don’t want to be babied — they want to be honoured.
They may have dementia, but they are not stupid.
Systems, Residences & Financial Realities
Tour multiple residences — they’re not all equal.
Ask about hidden costs — foot care, cable, meds, etc.
Moving across provinces is stressful for a senior — plan thoroughly.
Social programs vary by region — find what’s local.
Many seniors feel they’ve “lost everything” when they leave their home.
Downsizing belongings can feel like erasing their identity — go slowly.
Don’t assume they want to be in a facility — talk it through.
Ask for help with transportation, government forms, and home care applications.
Connection, Legacy & Letting Go
They long to share their stories — be a good listener.
Their wisdom is hard-earned — honour it.
They still want to feel useful.
A grandchild’s visit can change everything.
They remember what love feels like — always.
They want to pass something on — a recipe, a tradition, a blessing.
If they ask about a lost loved one, they may be grieving them again for the first time.
Even in decline, there are glimmers of beauty and clarity.
It is an honour to care for someone in this season of life.
You are modeling to your children how love behaves.
This experience will change you — in painful and beautiful ways.
In the end, all they really want… is to be loved.
If you’re walking this road right now, may you feel seen, strengthened, and a little less alone. There is beauty even here. You are not alone.
Posts
