Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Really getting REAL!

Yesterday I met Catherine in Waterloo at a Starbucks. Catherine and I have only met once and that was backstage at the Heavenly Night fundraiser in the dimly lit backstage area in December /09. This time I could see her lovely smile in the natural light. Her gentle spirit just exuded from her. I already knew that I liked her but you know how it is when you see someone in the flesh.They come alive. Yeh - ha! no kidding!

First of all I loved what she was wearing and I wanted a blouse just like hers! She had on a pair of jeans with this beautiful sheery feminine soft blue blouse with little designy thingees in the material, peeking out from underneath her jean jacket. Her face was soft and her eyes - warm.

Perhaps I should have asked her where she bought her blouse. I actually hate clothes shopping. I have never been a good shopper, of anything for that matter. Do you know how long it takes me just to choose a chocolate bar? Not that I eat them very often but I admit I have to be one of the worst decision makers that I have ever known.Sometimes when I am grocery shopping I just stand in the aisle and stare at the shelf. Part of me is trying to decide what I'm going to cook that night while the other part of me is screaming ,"Why is this so hard? Just buy the food and go home." Please tell me I'm not alone on this one.

I have, for many years fooled people with my lack of fashion sense. I just have no clue.Style? What's that? My closet is a mish mash of what might have been popular 2 years ago - or even 10 years ago.Mix and match? HUH? You see I have always been given hand me downs ( how do you spell that) for as long as I can remember so I never had to decide what to buy OR wear.It was all done for me. I never really had the opportunity to develop my own personal taste.... cause maybe I actually do possess some kind of taste. While growing up, my cousin Rhonda was the same age as me (technically I was older) but she grew very tall at a young age and so with every growth spurt I got her lovely hand me downs.I still have a friend Sue who downloads on me every few years. She has very good taste so I'm safe with Sue. Thanks Sue!

I also think part of my dilemma was that while growing up on a farm, when my mother did shop for me, so much of it was done through the Sears Catalogue. EEK I hate aging myself.How is one ever going to acquire good taste shopping from the Sears catalogue?I did love looking through it however. Many hours were spent picking out the next season of school clothes. The problem was they NEVER looked like the photos once they arrived and often the colour wasn't anything like you thought you were getting. One time when my mother was ordering me clothes that were meant to be given to me as Christmas presents, (forever practical) she blindfolded me and had me try them on to make sure they fit - before wrapping them all up and placing them under the Christmas tree. Surprise!!

DO NOT try this at home - it's very dangerous. Please do this ONLY under adult supervision. One can easily lose their balance when trying to dress and undress one's self while blindfolded!

Oh my dear mother. She wasn't much of a fashion expert. She usually only bought clothes when they were on sale, no matter how ugly. But hey a deal was a deal.She learned well from my Grannie.( not like Grannie on The Beverley Hillbillies) I think she probably faked it just like me. I loved my mother dearly.

I do however want to get back to Catherine.Yesterday she was the one who was coaching me on how I need to write for my new blog.She was telling me that I needed to just write like I was having a conversation, with all the honesty and vulnerability I could divulge. I have actually prided myself (is there a healthy pride- I sure hope so) with the fact that I am very open and honest.However, I would never want to say anything that might make someone think less of me, God forbid - or change their image of who they perceive me to be.So...I decided right there and then that I was going to have to find a new level when it came to the real factor.

But if people ONLY knew! It's all smoke and mirrors really. Being on TV and radio, travelling around the world singing, married to a wonderful man with a great teenage son. I am truly blessed there is no doubt but I am just an ordinary woman. And I am still the proverbial people pleaser. Oh yes that's right, it's just that I used to be much much worse! After all I am a performing artist.For as long as I can remember I have been looking for affirmation. My first performance was in the basement of the United Church in Carmangay, Alberta where I recited a poem, dressed up like an old lady. I was five! The church ladies adored it. I was hooked. There was never any looking back. Be cute, funny, poignant,talented, athletic, crazy,witty, sassy and you'll be approved.

Perhaps it comes from a childhood where love, affection and approval were pretty much absent after my parents died ( dad when I was 11 and mom, when I was 15). Or maybe it was that my parents were so occupied with all their own problems, pain and dysfunction that they could never truly ever begin to fill the gaping hole inside their own hearts. Or perhaps it's just there in all of us no matter how much approval, love or attention we get. We can just never get enough.

I love God and I know He loves me. I consider myself to have a very close relationship with Him. I also know He's supposed to be able to fill up every need in me, but, if I am really getting real with you - how come there's still that longing in me to be more loved and more approved?

Perhaps when I see Him one day I'll be so overwhelmed by His perfect love
that the question won't even exist. In the meanwhile I just wanted to say that I hope as I really get real with you you'll learn that I am just a normal (whatever that means) middle aged woman with all the same insecurities, fears and longings as you, still needing to be accepted, loved and adored.




  1. Thanks for that post Kelita....love your writing! Keep it up, girl!

  2. Well done! I enjoyed reading this, Kelita.

    I think that sensible shopping must be a recessive genetic trait that I've inherited. (Mom and Sis are more extravagant than I am, which is why I say its not dominant.) Or maybe I've just learned the skill from living in Southern Alberta. I admit to using the Sears catalogue, although now its online -- the Outlet section has some really good sales! -- and, yes, Value Village, too (for strangers' hand-me-downs). Fashion sense? What's that? Sometimes we just have to be practical...with everything but our dreams. One day maybe I'll be rich and then I can hire a stylist to tell me what not to wear, but we rarely earn "the big bucks" when we're motivated to do work we love instead of work that pays well.

    I look forward to reading more of your posts in the future.


  3. Hey Kelita, thanks for sharing! I can relate to the Sears catalogue/hand me down wardrobe as I grew up with the same. I still get a kick of looking at the Sears catologue today! My Mom did all the picking out....I think I was a geek in high school seriously....
    Growing up the child of an alcoholic, and learning how to be invisible it seems reasonalbe to me that having a sense of style or having a sense of being for that matter was not in the cards.

  4. Love your blog!

    I thought I would share the teaching I received yesterday from a prerecorded Beth Moore presentation. She referred to the very spiritual dilemma that most of us face day today. Thing is, God has created a God-sized vaccuum inside each of us that no one else can fill. No amount of human affirmation or affection could ever fill that proverbial "cup".

    If you would indulge me a moment and get a LARGE cup, or perhaps a pitcher, and hold onto it for a moment. Beth shared that if we are not seeking early in the morning to have our "cup" filled by God by spending time with Him and being completely honest with Him, and confessing daily whatever He reveals to us, we will end up being like a beggar (summed up in short, and she always had Scripture to back up everything she shared...). We will hold our proverbial "cup" out, expecting others to fill it. Someone puts in a couple pennies, another one puts in a quarter, perhaps someone puts in a whole dollar! Perhaps we have regular tithers such as our husbands and/or children. By the end of the day, perhaps eight people have contributed to our "cup"--that's a lot of contributions!

    I challenge you to visually do this, and see that all of those contributions don't even come remotely close to filling that "cup" or "pitcher" (if you can SEE IT with your eyes, it will be so much more profound than just reading or hearing this)! Beth continued to say that she seeks God to fill her "cup" every day, and then if she has anyone affirm her, or give her affection, it just makes her cup overflow. No one was responsible for filling her "cup" because that is God's job, and then she doesn't feel like she's missing anything from anyone--she has already been filled by God!

    What an awesome place to be in! This is where I aspire to be, and I pray that it has ministered to you in some way to encourage and build you up (Beth definitely said it much clearer and it was quite profound, but I pray that it will still speak to you as clearly as it did for me yesterday). We are all sitting in this very same place. The ground is level at the foot of the cross....

    Your Friend from New Brunswick!

  5. Hi Jenn,

    Wow I love it! Beth Moore is a very special teacher and what you have shared is very very insightful!I think you have done an excellent job of explaining her teaching.Thank you! I hope that others will read your response because it has definitely given me a fresh way of looking at my cup.

    As I think on those times when I have felt positive and secure in myself, there have been those in the midst that have made their contributions to my pitcher.

    This is an excellent reminder for us to make deposits into the cups of those we love and those who we don't even know. We have no idea the impact that we can have on those that God puts us in contact with.

    God Bless youJenn. Thanks my friend from New Brunswick. I love it out there and haven't been in several years.I hope you are enjoying the spring.



  6. I can relate to the hand-me-downs. My dad was the 3rd oldest of 13 kids in his family. I grew up getting hand-me-downs from the 4 youngest girls in his family. When I left home at 19, I bought myself my first ever new coat. I couldn't get over the fact that no one had worn it before me. I loved that coat.

    I used to feel empty and all alone. Then in 12-Step programs (Al-Anon and ACA---Adult Children of Alcoholics), I learned to start loving myself. Today I talk to God every day and I love myself. As an incest survivor, it was hard to learn to trust myself or God but I finally was able to do it a little bit at a time. I look forward to reading more as you write more.

  7. I have always called you Sister!! Cause I love you so much and we have shared so much together.....even some clothes....I am so bad...i should hang on to stuff but if I ain't wearing it someone else should!!!! Glad you have enjoyed some of my stuff...i sure have enjoyed you and your beautiful ministry. Thanks for your love and friendship....love Suzie, your big sister

  8. A fabulous, down to earth blog...thank you for sharing. I know about hand me downs but never really got many :-) however I never got to choose mt clothing until I was 16 years old...grrrr and yes of course we love our mothers, but they hate change and are trapped in the past so the clothing was always blahhhh...bless my dear mom. The one thing I learned from that, was to allow my children to choose their own clothing, I felt it was important for them to express themselves comfortably by having their own style. Ha, as for shopping for food...I decide before I buy what the meal will be...then I send one of my sons to shop for me :-)To be honest, I only love shopping when I have plenty money to spend without having to worry whether I can afford it or not. Love and blessings to you Kalita...Joanna

  9. Your blog post had me smiling and shedding a tear or two. Funny
    the insecurities that we carry around and what goes through our minds!
    I was anxious about meeting "Kelita" and had doubts about what I could possibly help her with.

    The blouse thing was so funny, as I debated what to wear for the big meet n greet! What to wear...and crap, my hair! I went to touch up my gray's and mixed the conditioner rather than the developer in the tube:) lol! Reading glasses required.

    As we started chatting I noticed you "looking" at my blouse! Uh oh!! What's up..am I missing a button, is it to tight, to low? Thus I turned a little to the side and tried to close my jacket..haha! My own insecurities assumed the negative.etc.

    As for clothes and surface stuff? I learned to "hide" behind beautiful
    clothes and make-up, and created a false persona from an early age. It
    kept me safe, and kept people from getting to close.

    Beautiful, transparent post Kelita! We all look forward to sharing in your journey.