Yesterday I met Catherine in Waterloo at a Starbucks. Catherine and I have only met once and that was backstage at the Heavenly Night fundraiser in the dimly lit backstage area in December /09. This time I could see her lovely smile in the natural light. Her gentle spirit just exuded from her. I already knew that I liked her but you know how it is when you see someone in the flesh.They come alive. Yeh - ha! no kidding!
First of all I loved what she was wearing and I wanted a blouse just like hers! She had on a pair of jeans with this beautiful sheery feminine soft blue blouse with little designy thingees in the material, peeking out from underneath her jean jacket. Her face was soft and her eyes - warm.
Perhaps I should have asked her where she bought her blouse. I actually hate clothes shopping. I have never been a good shopper, of anything for that matter. Do you know how long it takes me just to choose a chocolate bar? Not that I eat them very often but I admit I have to be one of the worst decision makers that I have ever known.Sometimes when I am grocery shopping I just stand in the aisle and stare at the shelf. Part of me is trying to decide what I'm going to cook that night while the other part of me is screaming ,"Why is this so hard? Just buy the food and go home." Please tell me I'm not alone on this one.
I have, for many years fooled people with my lack of fashion sense. I just have no clue.Style? What's that? My closet is a mish mash of what might have been popular 2 years ago - or even 10 years ago.Mix and match? HUH? You see I have always been given hand me downs ( how do you spell that) for as long as I can remember so I never had to decide what to buy OR wear.It was all done for me. I never really had the opportunity to develop my own personal taste.... cause maybe I actually do possess some kind of taste. While growing up, my cousin Rhonda was the same age as me (technically I was older) but she grew very tall at a young age and so with every growth spurt I got her lovely hand me downs.I still have a friend Sue who downloads on me every few years. She has very good taste so I'm safe with Sue. Thanks Sue!
I also think part of my dilemma was that while growing up on a farm, when my mother did shop for me, so much of it was done through the Sears Catalogue. EEK I hate aging myself.How is one ever going to acquire good taste shopping from the Sears catalogue?I did love looking through it however. Many hours were spent picking out the next season of school clothes. The problem was they NEVER looked like the photos once they arrived and often the colour wasn't anything like you thought you were getting. One time when my mother was ordering me clothes that were meant to be given to me as Christmas presents, (forever practical) she blindfolded me and had me try them on to make sure they fit - before wrapping them all up and placing them under the Christmas tree. Surprise!!
DO NOT try this at home - it's very dangerous. Please do this ONLY under adult supervision. One can easily lose their balance when trying to dress and undress one's self while blindfolded!
Oh my dear mother. She wasn't much of a fashion expert. She usually only bought clothes when they were on sale, no matter how ugly. But hey a deal was a deal.She learned well from my Grannie.( not like Grannie on The Beverley Hillbillies) I think she probably faked it just like me. I loved my mother dearly.
I do however want to get back to Catherine.Yesterday she was the one who was coaching me on how I need to write for my new blog.She was telling me that I needed to just write like I was having a conversation, with all the honesty and vulnerability I could divulge. I have actually prided myself (is there a healthy pride- I sure hope so) with the fact that I am very open and honest.However, I would never want to say anything that might make someone think less of me, God forbid - or change their image of who they perceive me to be.So...I decided right there and then that I was going to have to find a new level when it came to the real factor.
But if people ONLY knew! It's all smoke and mirrors really. Being on TV and radio, travelling around the world singing, married to a wonderful man with a great teenage son. I am truly blessed there is no doubt but I am just an ordinary woman. And I am still the proverbial people pleaser. Oh yes that's right, it's just that I used to be much much worse! After all I am a performing artist.For as long as I can remember I have been looking for affirmation. My first performance was in the basement of the United Church in Carmangay, Alberta where I recited a poem, dressed up like an old lady. I was five! The church ladies adored it. I was hooked. There was never any looking back. Be cute, funny, poignant,talented, athletic, crazy,witty, sassy and you'll be approved.
Perhaps it comes from a childhood where love, affection and approval were pretty much absent after my parents died ( dad when I was 11 and mom, when I was 15). Or maybe it was that my parents were so occupied with all their own problems, pain and dysfunction that they could never truly ever begin to fill the gaping hole inside their own hearts. Or perhaps it's just there in all of us no matter how much approval, love or attention we get. We can just never get enough.
I love God and I know He loves me. I consider myself to have a very close relationship with Him. I also know He's supposed to be able to fill up every need in me, but, if I am really getting real with you - how come there's still that longing in me to be more loved and more approved?
Perhaps when I see Him one day I'll be so overwhelmed by His perfect love
that the question won't even exist. In the meanwhile I just wanted to say that I hope as I really get real with you you'll learn that I am just a normal (whatever that means) middle aged woman with all the same insecurities, fears and longings as you, still needing to be accepted, loved and adored.